I know a thing or two about being in an unhealthy relationship. I am not talking about one where you do a couple foolish things, and write it off to, “relationships make me stupid.” I am talking about when you know it is best for you to walk away, but you can’t. You break things off just to come back, again, and again. Things get out of hand, you can’t stay just friends like you wanted, instead you can’t control yourself. You get a taste, and go back for more, more, more. After you finish, you feel shame, guilt, and a variety of other negative emotions. These feelings are forgotten the next time you get the urge to return, of course.
I am sure you can guess the recipient of my desire, a mistress who we have all known at one time or another. She is the alluring potato chip. Oh my goodness I have a problem with chips. As a rule, I will eat anything I want. I eat candy, cookies, sugary treats of all sorts, and I feel no shame about them because they are a treat. I do not crave them, they don’t control me. When it comes to my relationship with potato chips, the whole world stops. Nothing else matters, I just need them, I want them, I will do anything to get them.
I don’t like this, I don’t like food to control me. It goes against my mindset of, “I eat what I want.” Instead it becomes, “I must eat them, I have no control.” If I have Halloween bags of chips, I will go through about 10+ of the bags, and be left with the evidence strewn around me of what I had done. Small bag of chips, why bother? Seriously, the price is about 2/3-3/4 of a big bag, and you get so few chips by comparison. I’m not going to waste my time on those. Then there is the big bag (whether family size, or just regular big), this is where my real problem comes into play. I buy a big bag thinking, “This will do for 4 servings or more, I am planning ahead.”
I start eating, and don’t slow, I don’t stop. I go past 1 serving, into 3 servings, and when I am almost finished the last of the bag I realize what I have done. I look into the bag, to have nothing but chip dust staring back at me. This is when my shame comes into play. I realize, “I am disgusting.” I fold the bag over, and wrap it around until I have a tiny little bag to put back in the cupboard to, “save for later.” I start milling around, and within an hour I think to myself, “Why bother leaving those? They won’t be enough for a snack tomorrow. I may as well finish them.” So… I do. I eat them all. All four million calories worth. A bag which is big enough to feed a party’s worth of goers most anywhere in the world, and I eat the whole stupid thing. I look at the bag, and realize I did it again. I didn’t particularly enjoy the chips, not five million calories worth. They were just a habit. A habit I need to kick. I need to break it off with chips. I would say break it off for good, but I know I don’t want to do this. I want to go back to a time when a bag of chips was a treat. When I could enjoy them, rather than just eating them for something to do.
I suppose I need to break up with you chips. Not forever, just until I am in a better place.